I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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