her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
