life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
