I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
