Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Where are you guys?
Drunk
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
