if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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