Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I intend to get homeless drunk
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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