So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
