I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
