Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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