What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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