Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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