this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
