I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
