Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Holy sore nipples Batman
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize