I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
