That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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