Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
