he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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