why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
