Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
