i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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