It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
