you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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