How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
