he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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