He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize