Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
