before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize