After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
