so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
