remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
