I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
