god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
