they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Drunk is a universal language darling
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
