An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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