My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
