you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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