your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
