I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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