why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
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