Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
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