I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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