I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
