Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
People in love make me want to vomit
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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