The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dear god my vagina.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
