I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.