Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
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You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.