Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.