Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
