I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
that may or may not have been my penis.
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