mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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