There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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