you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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