also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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