I seem to have left my pride at pride
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just had sex on a roof
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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