Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
