His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
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Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
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Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos