I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.