At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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