Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Randomize
