It's like God shit irony all over that family
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
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I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
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I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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