I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
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I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
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All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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