I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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