Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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