I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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