you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
